Current location:	The back office at work
Current mood:	bouncy
Current music:	Love Today by Mika

I thought you promised 2008 was going to be your sane year!
Paula Abdul released her new single and video... which she thought was the next step after 'Hey Paula'. Does she have a manager, seriously? I am convinced it is one of those 20 chihuahuas she has that keep breaking her nose.

Next up is another crazy and personal favourite, Lindsay. I was going to leave you alone for awhile. You fucked a bunch of hot Italian guys and gave me the never ending gift that is 'I Know Who Killed Me' (go out and buy this movie NOW. Amputee strippers, one of those creepy hairless cats with GIANT balls, and the colour blue actually upstages Lindsay in almost every scene. Plus, a movie with an alternate ending and opening just screams quality!) last year so we were in a good place but then you had to go and do this photo shoot. 

First of all, Marilyn was a fake Hollywood created hack but she was fucking fabulous and an icon, you are the girl who peaked in 'The Parent Trap' (mad props to Mean Girls though, love you Tina Fey!)

Secondly, EW. I've never referred to you as 'firecrotch', even though I found it mildly amusing, I  now not only fully understand the term but wholeheartedly support it. I know you have no control over it (like your drinking) but can you turn the freckles down a tad? Maybe just grab one of those gigantic knobs you have and just... twist?

Now that we are on the subject, hello Loboobs. For some reason you can't help but let them all hang out here but in 'I Know Who Killed Me' you had to wear a bra with circles on them to look like nipples. Did you wake up the day before that photo shoot and saw yourself through our eyes and realized you have no career? Are they the moneymakers now? If so, they need names to put on the credits.

The last on Lindsay:

 What. The. Fuck. Happened. To. Your. Face?! It looks like how Madonna's looks now and that is 50 years of being the biggest whore in the world, a bit of plastic surgery, and all tied together with a Kabalah string. You are what, 21 now? When you get to her age, you are going to look like a week old half-eaten ham sandwich.

Lastly I have to discuss this story I saw on Fox News (it is always on in the back office) about a man having gone missing recently (I'll give you a hint, he's not black! Who woulda thought, hmm?). I'd pull up a link but Fox New's site is fucking obnoxious to dig through but I can tell you that basically this man who recently became a father has gone missing. The woman kept crying and saying there is no way he could have left her, there was nothing wrong with their relationship, and they've never had problems because of their shared faith in God. While she was saying the first of twenty mentions of God, they started flashing pictures of her husband. Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl has no one ever told you how gay your husband looks? No, seriously. Did you meet him at a club? Was it called Manhole or anything else involving tools or construction? If you want to find your husband I suggest you start checking all the 'Gay for pay' sites, he is bound to show up any day now. Craigslist and your local gloryhole might be worth checking out too.